The Communedy – A Farcical Placement Comedy

Scene I: College Placement Office

Character Present: Placement Officer(PO), Lady Recruiter(R), and Trainer(T).

It has been a long day for the recruitment panel of the company. 15 candidates have been rejected till now. Not satisfied with the students. This has been a strenuous job for them since they took active part in the placement committee for the company.

PO: Ufff… Dear me.

R: Yes, Sir.

PO: I feel like killing myself.

T: Then what will be your weapon of choice, Sir? A Knife, a Gun or a Poison.

PO: Is there any way I can shut your mouth forever.

T: Well, Sir… only if you can fire me. You already did once.

PO: If you utter one more word, Mr Pal… we are going to have a Funeral Right Here, Right Now.

R(loud voice): Shut up, you two! You are like boys with toys. Let’s, get back to business.

PO: Who’s next?

R: Ganesh Sitaramanneyulu Laxminarayna Venkat Idaspati Naagendra Sriniva….

PO: Wait… Wait. What are you trying to do? Want to go home early. Reading out the remaining list of names at a one stroke…

R: No, Sir. It’s the name of one male candidate.

PO: What? Don’t try to play games with me, lady. Where is he from? Mars!!!!

R: No, Sir. He is a Tamilian.

PO: What am I then? A Chameleon.

T: No, Sir. You are also a Tamilian.

R: But with three names. One First Name, A Middle Name and A Surname. Like us.

T: Quiet Similar to Inky, Pinky, Ponky, Father had a donkey.

PO (Brings out his paper knife from his bag quickly and tries to jump over the trainer): One more word Mr Pal, you will regret that you have ever been born.

T: Ok, boss. Mum’s the word.

R(to T): Dumb’s the word for you.

PO: How can a person have such a long name? Whatever, press the buzzer to send him in.

Enter Ganesh Sitaramanneyulu Laxminarayna Venkat Idaspati Naagendra Srinivaslu Aadalarasu Tamarai Chelvan

Candidate: Excuse me, Please. Me come in.

PO: Yes, Mr ….uhmmm…. Have a seat.

R(whispers): He is nervous. Be gentle with him. He has a brilliant track record. A Gold Medallist.

T: Let’s see how many laps he can take.

R: Oh, Mr Pal I give up!

PO: Good Afternoon! Mr… ahh… May I call you Mr Ganesh or Mr Naagendra or Venkat or Srini.

Candidate: Me called by beriends as GSLV INSAT.

PO: GSLV INSAT!!!

R: You mean… friends… call you as GSLV INSAT.

GSLV INSAT Yes, Modem. The Initial of my name.

R: Madam, GSLV INS…. Ohhh!!!! What am I saying!

GSLV INSAT: I am no Modem.

PO: I beg your pardon! You must be joking.

GSLV INSAT: I never joke about horrorific.

R: Mister, what do you mean by horrorific???

PO: I believe he is trying to imply honorifics.

GSLV INSAT: Yes, Professor.

PO: I am no Professor. Your college faculty are Professors. Call me, Sir.

GSLV INSAT: Aiy Aiy O!!! That explains it. (He Bows) You have been knotted when?

PO: What! Come again.

GSLV INSAT: To become a sir you get knotted by the Queen of England.

PO: For Heaven’s Sake. No. No. No. I am not that a great person and I don’t want to be. And the Word is knighted.

GSLV INSAT: Why Sir? You are a very horrible person. You are giving the opportunity to give us a Job.

R: I think he is trying to say honourable!

T: Horribly! What do you expect from us?

GSLV INSAT: I am hopping to be unlisted.

T: Hopping to be unlisted?

GSLV INSAT: Like it said by your company broker.

R: But we don’t have any broker for placement committee.

Pulls out a paper from the backpocket and pinpoints unlisted

PO: That’s not a Broker but brochure and… you are hoping to be enlisted for the final interview call.

GSLV INSAT (smiles): That is what I say, I am hopping to be super unlisted according to the broker.

R: Well, Yes. I am afraid you cannot be unlisted… enlisted until you qualify for the next round. And the results will be declared in a few days’ time. Meanwhile, you give us some answers to the question we are likely to ask.

GSLV INSAT (brimming with confidence): I say, it is Super, Modem.

T: So, what do you want to do… if you are HR personnel in the company?

GSLV INSAT: To resolve any kind of onion issues in the company.

PO & T (screams): Onions??????

GSLV INSAT: Like I said, super Trade Onions.

R: You mean Trade Unions.

GSLV INSAT: Jolly Good, Madam.

R: Why are you so interested in resolving any trade union issues in the company?

GSLV INSAT: To reduce cremations in company threw effective discussions.

T: Commotions and reduce it through discussion, Mr G S L V INSAT.

PO: I would prefer the word, ‘Cremation’. Anyways, Mr Ganesh or Mr Naagendra or Venkat or Srini, we are very much pleased to meet you. You may leave.

GSLV INSAT: I am also pleasing to be meeting you all. Thank Me, My Elders. (Shakes Hands with everyone)

Ganesh Sitaramanneyulu Laxminarayna Venkat Idaspati Naagendra Srinivaslu Aadalarasu TamaraiChelvan Exits.

The recruiter presses the buzzer. Next candidate hops in.

Candidate: Oh God! I am not late I hope.

PO: No. We can see you can hop a lot. Not the criteria mentioned in the Job Description.

Candidate: So, you have given us a wrong massage regarding the Job e Description.

R: Massage????

Candidate: You don’t know what massage is? Massage is verbally, written or communicated from one person to another.

T (speaks to PO & R): I presume he means messages.

PO: Point Taken.

R(speaks to the candidate): Your name, Prasanna Sen.

PS: That is correct, Sir.

PO: Was it wrong before?

PS: Rong? You mean colour, Sir.

T: Wrong means colour. I believe, I will have a heart attack.

R: No. No. No. In Bengali, we say Rong. R-O-N-G. The one without the W that is quite colourful.

PS: Then I know. You know. Everyone knows.

PO: Bunk. Let’s see. Whether you can qualify for the final round?

PO: Suppose, if I buy a piece of equipment, walk me through the impact on the 3 financial Statements in the early stages.

PS: In a very early istage there ij no impact on the income statement but I would say the cash will go underground while Property, Tree & Tools goes overground in the balance cheet, and the purchase of it is a overflow of cash outside in the cash flow statement.

PO: I couldn’t quite follow you, Mr Sen. How can a cash go underground?

PS: Ei Moreche… you didn’t understand the gist of what I said? I tried to speak that while you buy something your cash reduces.

R: Got it. Then what is the connection with tree goes overground?

PS: Oh Blimey! That means you plant trees and equipment’s in the factory and balance cheet in Asshet side goes up.

PO: Oh Plant!!! Increase in Plant, Property & Equipment.

T: Quite an Oxford wala pronunciation.

R(looks at T for a moment): Very Ingenious!!!!

PO: I think I have enough of this Oxford Chappie!!! Anyways, Mr Sen, we are very much pleased to meet you. You may go now. Best of Luck!!!

PS: A very god evening, My Honourable Personnel.

R: Oh God! Please! He said, “God Evening!”

T: Rather than saying good, god is better! I think from today onward, I will say god morning, god afternoon…

R: Oh, Shut up!

Prassann Sen Exits.

PO: I think I am going ask some simple questions for the next candidate. Otherwise I have to kill myself. What has happened to the power of communication power of the students?

The recruiter presses the buzzer. Next candidate comes in.

PO(looks at the Resume): Ahh… Mr. Ranjeet Singh(RS). Specializing in Marketing. Please come forward. Have a seat.

Mr Ranjeet looks at the Placement Officer for a moment. Take a few steps forward. Hold the handle of the chair. Lift it up and goes towards the exit. Everyone looks surprised.

PO(stutters): Wh… Wh… What… are you trying to do?

RS: You ordered me to have a seat. Thought it was a drill.

PO: Keep the chair down!

Mr Ranjeet keeps the chair where he was standing.

PO: Not there! Come forward.

Mr Ranjeet comes forward to the panel and keeps the chair as it was before.

PO: Now, Sit Down.

Mr Ranjeet sits on the floor.

PO: Not on the floor, but in the chair.

Mr Ranjeet puts his head inside under the chair.

PO: Not inside the chair but sit with your bottom on the cushion of the chair.

Mr Ranjeet follows the order of the PO word by word.

RS: A thousand apologies for my ignorance, Sir. I take things very literary that is the summer of all my problem.

R: Summer????…

T: He dropped Y.

RS: Why?

R: Why? What!

RS: What! Why?

R: Are you just repeating backwards what I am saying!

RS: You just repeating forwards what I am saying!

R: Oh Alright! Let’s move on.

PO: Mr Pal… I think you carry on with Mr Singh.

T: Mr Singh… I will ask you some questions… to test your marketing skills.

RS: I am highly obliged, Sir!

T: What’s a personality trait of a bad marketer?

PS: An Anti-Social.

The Placement Officer and the Recruiter bursts out with Laughter.

T: Very Ingenious. Next question, what is the best business model for a start-up, B2B or B2C?

RS: Absolutely, B to C.

R: But why?

T: Your answer has two possible ways.

R: Care to venture one.

RS: Because letter B is quite adventurous as it struggles to be succeeded by the Letter C. As for B to B, it goes round and round in the same place which is very bad for business.

T looks at him surprisingly with his mouth wide open.

T: Not the answer I was expecting! But well…

R: Hmm… In the CV it is mentioned that … your hobby is booging about the world.

RS: Yes Madam. I love to pass my time by booging in the website.

R: But Booging means a piece your nasal mucus…ewww… then how do you boog about the world?

RS: I discuss about the wordly issues and try to spread information and post about it.

PO: Blogging, I presume, Mr Ranjit.

RS: That is where share my thoughts in Booging.

T: Ranjit bogs and bogs but has a mucus to spread germ-full of information.

R(to Trainer): Do you have any idea what you are saying?

T: Well, ideas flow just like the way we bog about our nasal sneezing.

PO: Quite a Nasalistic Sentiment! Your words are! It might uplift people.

T: Well! Welcome to the club!

PO: I am honoured!

R (to Trainer and Placement Officer): Shall we get back to business?

PO: YES MADAM! WE SHALL! (Turns to Ranjit Singh) So, Mr Singh,

RS: Yes, Sir.

R: Mr Pal, will ask you some interesting question to find you fit yourself as a marketing manager!

RS: That will be awesome!

R: Quite enthusiastic! Carry on, Pal Babu!

T: I think I will have some fun with him, lady! (turns his head towards Ranjeet). Well Ranjeet, you have to response to the words when I say, ‘Knock, Knock’!

RS: Who’s there?

T: I haven’t started, yet. Ranjeet! Let me…

RS: I think you have started knocking the door! So, who’s there!

T (scratches his own head): Stop it!

RS: Who should stop? You are the one who is knocking the door! You stop it!

T: Stop, Interrupting!

RS: Is it the phrase of your word formation, Stop comma interrupting or Stop without the comma interrupting!

T: I don’t know what to say!

RS: But you just said, “I don’t know what to say!”

T: DON’T TAKE THINGS LITERALLY, RANJIT!

RS: I am a literary person, so I always take things literally!

T: (murmurs to himself) I think I will become illiterate by this Mr Literal. (looks in a red eye towards Ranjit) So, Mr Literate! You are a very interruptive marketer!

RS: Interruptive me, Sir! How can I be interruptive when I myself being interrupted by your bullets of multiple question!

T: Oh god!

RS: Another interruption from your end, Sir!

T: STOP, INTERRUPTING.

RS: Is it a Stop comma interrupting or Stop…

T: OH! SHUT UP!

RS: Another, Interruption! I see!

T: For god’s sake, please leave!

RS: Is the interview over? Am I interrupting something? I thought it was part of the deal!

T: Oh! Please go!…

RS: AM I SELECTED?

T: YES, PLEASE! HAVE A GOOD DAY, MR RANJIT!

Mr Ranjit leaves the interview room and the placement officer looks at him with a smile!

PO: Well, got the taste of your own medicine!

R: I think, I like Ranjit! We should hire him!

PO: Well, he will be booging with his interruptive marketing skill perhaps!

T: Oh please, I resign!

PO: No! No! No! Even you can’t resign because you have to pay some penalty of 2 lac rupees as a punishment! (Brings out the contract and shows him at the near end of the page written in a very small font and one need a magnifying glass).

T: You big old time fraud! You son of a… I will kill you right here, right now!

PO: No can do! If you touch your senior people you will be… you know fired from the job! And getting in the current economic situation will hamper your growth!

T: F… You!

R: I see, Mr Pal will have a lot of fun, now! (And she claps with a huge laughter)

CURTAIN CALL

THE END

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